My boss hates me ! You might often hear someone say my boss hates me I don't know if you have you ever heard anyone say that you ever read that.
When I was younger I mean the types of jobs I was in people didn’t work very hard. Like sometimes restaurants I worked in sales for a while he really did hate some of the people there
So let's take for example someone that comes to me for some counselling and they say I'm always trying to find out why they've come but and often people will tell me straight away sometimes they won't but they're basically saying my boss hates me. Now my life he's making my life feel miserable he's sorry he's making me feel miserable. How do I approach that?
Well first of all I'm thinking well it's a bit of an exaggeration because hate is a very very strong word it's where there's a very strong emotional investment. Same with love you know you wouldn't expect you love to your boss to love you so is it really true that your boss hates you. I may not be saying all this to this person.
Ah that’s what you’re thinking
But that's what I'm thinking you know like if you like this is a bit over the top.
Hyperbole yeah and then of course someone might not say ‘my boss hates me’. I might say ‘my boss has got it in for me’ well how does he do that? So I try to find out more about this story. Everyone has got a story. ‘Well, when I walk past my boss in the corridor he doesn’t look at me’. So and you could have two opinions about that you can say ‘what? should the boss look at you?’ You know maybe your boss has got something else that he is thinking that he or she is thinking about. Maybe you have a big need for recognition. I want to be seen literally. So I find out more about what's going on on the surface.
And of course there are bosses who, I mean no one is perfect are they? but and some there is such a thing as a good boss and a boss is not really quite as good. So there are bosses where the they won’t communicate well with the employee they won’t be they won’t to be clear in their communication they won’t they want to let the employee know how they are doing. Didn't know how they're doing for example. Even though it might be some appraisals, system set up you know six monthly appraisal or what have you.
The boss might be being perceived as having favourites. You know well how come he gives all the juicy work that the great assignments to those team members and I’ll get all the ones that are boring and tedious.
Is that happening is it really true that it's happening? Maybe so, so I'm not I'm not at all against the idea of having a discussion with your boss about it and that in itself might feel quite difficult. Because If I need to go to my boss or someone you know might be some other area of life too. If I need to go to someone and say, ‘look, I have a dissatisfaction about how you are around me’ that it can it can take you might say courage. It can take you might say confidence to do that. So then the question is well how much confidence? How much self value? Has that person got. That will enable them to go to their boss or whoever it is.
and say. ‘I'm not happy about how things are going at all.’ ‘I'd like things to go more smoothly between us.’ ‘Is it okay with you if we have a discussion about that. Because at the moment things are affecting our working relationship that are getting in the way of me working productively.’ That's a nice way of putting it to putting it.
Which incidentally is language that a lot of people haven't got you know they. This is this is now the subject now with assertiveness training this is about assertiveness training comes in which is something I've done a lot of. But it's basically helping people with the language of expressing dissatisfaction, wishes, requests, apologies, compliments. And often people avoid doing any of that as they don’t know how to say it.
The only the only words I can think of is forget the swear words. You're pissing me off you know I can’t go into my boss’s office and say you're pissing me off.
I said to my boss one day. ‘And it's really pissing me off.’
But what I'm noticing James is what you just said you just said it's really pissing me off. What you didn't say is, you didn't say you're pissing me off.
Well he. He was okay. My boss was alright. It was my manager who was below him. And the situation he was putting me in was pissing me off. I had to say to my boss who was above my manager. This is what's going on.
But someone put you in that situation.
It's ultimately people that piss us off and not situations we think it’s when you know we think it’s situation. ‘I hate my job’ no you hate your boss. I hate I hate this room up ‘I'm angry with this room’ now you know. Your angry with the person who you said you go to work in this room. You’re angry with the person doesn't will trick. And this is a avoidance you know because we don't have this the skills or the confidence to confront people about things.
and it’s so hard to do it in the workplace because if you say one thing wrong and then there’s gossip and then something happens in the political landscape in the office and then you’re excluded is you know from conversations and things like that.
So far we've been talking about if you like the surface or the visible and what is it that we do and then what is it that stops us doing what we need to be doing. Now there’s another you know there's a whole other zone which I'm thinking of in a counselling session. I'm thinking also what is going on in the zone that we don't see which is the internal world the internal space the mind and soul of the client who’s the employee who’s come for counselling.
And then I’m into the stuff of therapy that I bring that I help people sort through with any problem. Someone comes with a work related stress underneath that they might have the same dynamics of difficulties inside them. As someone coming with a problem that on the surface looks totally different. A relationship problem with my ex-wife or difficulty with an illness for the difficulty in sex for example you know even though you might say well they all are separate problems but ultimately I'm always interested in what's going on Inside the person.
So taking this example of what did we say ‘my boss hates me.’ Well. I mean. Do you hate yourself? Well no of course not many not everyone that many people say no I don't hate myself. But it's. If you like it's. It's shame. That's a very difficult thing that goes on inside people. It stops them from valuing themselves.
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